I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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