I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
