How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
