he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
