i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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