We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
