Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
