i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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