Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
