i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
