I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
