Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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