i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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