How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
