I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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