How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My liver just broke up with me...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
