It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
