You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
