Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck me I smell like cheese
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
