Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
