I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
