Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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