I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
