I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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