I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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