Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
