Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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