Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
