The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
