I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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