She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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