I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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