if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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