well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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