and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
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MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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