Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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