the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
