He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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