He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
