So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
