I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
