all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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