I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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