I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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