I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
