You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
