i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
