I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize