mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
