Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
