Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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