Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
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I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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