Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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