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That's how twitter works, right?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?