She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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