My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is Oprah even human
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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