I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
honey bunches of taint.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
